US Politics: The Blue-State Letter
"Dear Red States:
"We're ticked off at your Neandertal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
"We in California intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes New York, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
"We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country, the Enlightened States of America (ESA).
"To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the original and now 'right-to-work' slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Stanford and Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get 2/3 of the tax revenue. You get to make the Red States pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we Lefties. We're taking the good weed, too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
"Citizen of the Enlightened States of America"
[I've slightly edited the above--various versions are in circulation--another correspondent located
--and this was probably originally Sumerian/Emegirean/Kiengerian.]